I Don't Know What To Say

I want to write so badly.
I truly do.
Yet, I can't seem to get it out
of my broken
and aching
heart.

It comes out
not as
ink;
rather the words roll
down my cheek
as
teardrops;
ruining
my keyboard.

Time has flown on by
yet crawled at the same speed.
One moment she is here;
then I'm left yearning.

Many positive things
came from her leaving:
people I have met,
choices I have made,
journeys I have traveled,
lessons I have unearthed.

Yet, sometimes I ponder:
Does that make it ok?
Does that justify it all?

I. Just. Don't. Know.

I do know that I miss
her
terribly.
Six years
have gone on by
since I last
heard her voice,
saw her face,
felt her warm embrace.

What is there to really say
at this point?
What can possibly be said
that hasn't been said
over six years' time?

All that is left
is the emptiness
in my heart;
a hole
that just can't be filled
with the numerous
namesakes;
for a namesake
is not the same
as the original.

I miss you Pesha.
I wish you could teach
me the Tanya
that I learn with Avi each week.

Like, I know you are there
spiritually,
but that isn't quite
enough
anymore.
I want you back.
I need you back.

There is really nothing more to say;
except
I hope I am making you proud
up there.
Oh!
And, of course,
I love you dearly.

Not Black & White

Written for a close friend of mine - may she see the beauty and strength that is her.

But For Now A Prayer

I sit around the china-covered table surrounded by family and friends,
watching as the candles dance in the holiness around.
We already sung the Song of the Angels,
they have blessed us and flew up home.

Now, I close my eyes and softly sing
a question of three thousand years;
one that changes over time;
every week a new meaning.

It began as just a song;
one that I would sing hungrily.
Then it became a goal,
as I pondered its meaning.

Now, as I question the same as King Shlomo,
it has become a prayer from my soul.
One day I know it will be what it was always meant as:
a song of praise for my missing half.

When will I find the one that the song portrays?
Am I even looking in the right direction?
Will it be a rough road, or one freshly paved?
Who will be my better half; my pearl of an Aishes Chayil?

I think I know what I am looking for,
yet, I pray that I'm correct in what I want.
I whisper that I just want what is the best for me,
as my eyes open and watch the flames carry my prayer within their dance.

I then smile and prepare for Kiddush,
content in my prayer's success.
I soak in all that I am thankful for,
and look forward to a week of beauty.

I know now that I have done all that I can,
it is in the hands of the Holy One.
Yes, for now it is just a prayer,
But I know that one day it will be much more.