I Don't Know What To Say

I want to write so badly.
I truly do.
Yet, I can't seem to get it out
of my broken
and aching
heart.

It comes out
not as
ink;
rather the words roll
down my cheek
as
teardrops;
ruining
my keyboard.

Time has flown on by
yet crawled at the same speed.
One moment she is here;
then I'm left yearning.

Many positive things
came from her leaving:
people I have met,
choices I have made,
journeys I have traveled,
lessons I have unearthed.

Yet, sometimes I ponder:
Does that make it ok?
Does that justify it all?

I. Just. Don't. Know.

I do know that I miss
her
terribly.
Six years
have gone on by
since I last
heard her voice,
saw her face,
felt her warm embrace.

What is there to really say
at this point?
What can possibly be said
that hasn't been said
over six years' time?

All that is left
is the emptiness
in my heart;
a hole
that just can't be filled
with the numerous
namesakes;
for a namesake
is not the same
as the original.

I miss you Pesha.
I wish you could teach
me the Tanya
that I learn with Avi each week.

Like, I know you are there
spiritually,
but that isn't quite
enough
anymore.
I want you back.
I need you back.

There is really nothing more to say;
except
I hope I am making you proud
up there.
Oh!
And, of course,
I love you dearly.