So Long Now

Sitting on my Grandmother's couch,
wishing I could remember her.
Thinking of the the family moments that I never knew.

Dreaming of what my life could have been like,
with my brother chilling together with me.
Thinking of the family moments that could have been.

Remembering the day I heard the news,
five painful years ago when I lost my sister.
Thinking of the family moments that had to change.

It has been so long now,
when will the darkness end?
It shouldn't have to be this way for real.

It has been so long now,
what will be?
How can I keep up like this?

It has been so long now,
oh when will you all return?
I miss you more than ever on this night.

It has been so long now...

It's 3AM

It's 3AM and my mind is racing,
I can't sleep even if I tried.
Thoughts flood my brain,
Confusion sets upon me.

I'm scared of what will be,
Yet glad for what was.
I open up my mind,
And this is what spills out:

Will I ever see her again?
Will her smile light up my world once more?
What is going on in my life to date?
Where is this all heading?

Five years is so long,
The circle of life is completed.
A baby so very small,
Will grow to be a huge impact on the world.

I stepped my toes in the water this past May,
No I will never regret it.
But what is going to occur now,
Who can possibly know?

Friends are the only thing keeping me going,
They are my lifeline.
They will always be there by my side,
No matter what or when or why.

I'm nervous for the school year,
This semester is so crucial.
I must get into my dream school,
And leave a legacy behind.

It's 3AM and I'm wide awake,
I gotta sleep sometime soon.
I know everything will work itself out,
So I must stop freaking out.

It's 3AM and my mind is calming down,
I have faith and that is enough right now.
Tomorrow is a new day with new revelations,
I have done all that I can do.

Time

Time is a very weird thing,
it is Wibbly-Wobbly, and can be hard to deal with.
We always rush as soon as we hear the bell's ding,
it can be a blessing or a pain.

Time is there to help us heal,
or to help us understand.
It reminds us that things in life are real,
and need to be appreciated every moment.

It can be hard to wait,
it may even be agony.
Yet, this is our fate,
respect it and let it go.

Time will move quickly at times,
even when we wished it wouldn't.
Wasting even a second is a huge crime,
and yet we do it constantly.

Time is precious to each of us,
it helps us as we live life.
It it important that we respect someone else's time without a fuss,
for we would want them to respect our own in return.

Brothers Reunite

Published in the Nshei Chabad Newsletter (Shvat 5775/February 2015)

          Twenty-one years ago, my mother gave birth to a baby boy. After just a day and a half in this world, his precious soul was returned to its Creator. Before his burial, he was named Moshe Daniel.

Just over a year later, my mother was once again about to give birth, this time to twin boys. The doctors informed my mother that the younger and smaller of the twins would not survive the birth. Yet miracles happened and he was born alive: sick and only 2.1 pounds, but alive. That tiny baby was me.

          I have always felt, ever since my early childhood, that I am a reincarnation of Moshe Daniel. At many milestones, I felt like I was living life for him. I feel that I am a “comfort child” that Hashem gave to my parents: being born exactly a year later; being the second, unexpected twin; also expected to pass away, yet given life.

          Even before anyone told me about my brother, I felt a strong connection to him. He was my diary, my mentor, my friend. He guided me, protected me, taught me, and cared for me. I have always counted him amongst my siblings, and to me, he was very much a part of the family.

           As soon as I found out about his existence (when I was about seven years old), I dreamt of praying by his grave. Regardless of the fact that the gravesite is unmarked, I longed to go there and connect with my brother.

           After twelve years of waiting, I found out that my oldest sister had remembered where in the cemetery Moshe Daniel was buried. (She never said anything because she thought the rest of the family knew.) So I asked her to take me to the site.

          On Rosh Chodesh Kislev 5775, the Sunday between his 21st birthday and yahrtzeit and my own 20th birthday, we went there.

          As I reached the small area that was where all those less than 30 days old are buried, I just sensed where he was and dropped to the floor sobbing. Our souls touched.

           The following poem is dedicated to you, my dear brother and soul mate, Moshe Daniel Roetter:

A mound of dirt, you are buried below,

No headstone, no marker, not even a stone.

I caress the grass so tenderly,

As my soul reconnects to you.

Oh my dear brother Moshe,

How I wish I could have seen your smile.

Oh my dear brother Daniel,

How I wish I could have heard your laugh.

Oh my dear brother Moshe Daniel,

How I wish I could have grown up together with you.

For twenty years, I have only felt your presence,

Now, finally today, we can connect.

On this tiny hill, so simple and pure,

That is where our souls reunite.

Oh my dear brother Moshe,

How I wish you could have been at my bar mitzvah.

Oh my dear brother Daniel,

How I wish you could have danced at family weddings.

Oh my dear brother Moshe Daniel,

How I wish you could have added to our parents’ nachas.

I know that you look down each day,

And smile at each of our siblings’ achievements.

When we laugh together, you chime in,

My life is your life, that’s how it has always been.

Oh my dear brother Moshe,

How I wish you could live life for yourself.

Oh my dear brother Daniel,

How I wish we weren’t so far apart.

Oh my dear brother Moshe Daniel,

How I wish that I could see you just one time.

Tears soak the ground as I say your Psalm,

Softly, I retell our life tale.

Suddenly, the rope connecting us is pulled taut,

You must return to G-d’s Throne; our time is up.

Oh my dear brother Moshe,

I promise I will make you proud.

Oh my dear brother Daniel,

I promise I will live our life to the fullest I can.

Oh my dear brother Moshe Daniel,

I promise I will keep you forever in my heart.

Slowly, I back away,

The hill grows even smaller in the distance.

Yet the connection is not completely severed,

You and I will forever be attached.

The Worst Puzzle

It's shattered into a thousand pieces,

it's the hardest puzzle to create.

It will forever be missing a part,

It's called "A Broken Heart".

Duct Tape just simply won't do,

Bandaids won't last long.

The only real remedy that can mend,

is a hug from your best friend.

Time will pass on by,

the scars won't disappear.

The gaping hole will never fill,

if anything it grows larger still.

Friendship is like a soothing balm,

it helps numb the pain and grief.

They know that you hurt inside,

Together you'll both cry.

Their heart will mold with your own,

and slowly the hug will dissipate.

You notice that half the hole is whole again,

your friend now shares your pain.

In My Mind's Eye

Memories invade my dream,
turning them black as coal.
The horrors of the past are born anew,
I silently scream as it tears at my soul.

In my mind's eye,
I see it all happening once more.
In my mind's eye,
there is no exit door.

My brain takes over,
twisting the story like crazy.
Events that never happened,
seem like they occurred so clearly.

In my mind's eye,
I watch it all with shock.
In my mind's eye,
I want these memories to be blocked.

I toss and I turn all night,
of that I am sure.
I wake up shaking,
is there no cure?

In my mind's eye,
I feel the pain so real.
In my mind's eye,
I review the whole ordeal.

Sometimes it occurs in a daydream,
it seems there's no stopping it.
I'm forced to go back in time,
and watch it all bit by bit.

In my mind's eye,
there are so many stories.
In my mind's eye,
each one gets told in all its glory.

Will I ever sleep peacefully,
is what I do wonder.
When I hear once again the siren's cry,
piercing my world like thunder.

In my mind's eye,
I see the shovel drop the dirt on top.
In my mind's eye,
I pray that the pain will soon stop.

Admit, Repent, Refresh

His eyes are shut tightly,
His heart opens wide.
Tears stream down his cheeks,
Softly he does sigh.

The cry of the shofar echoes loudly in his ear,
begging and beseeching him to amend his ways.
The Ark is open - light glowing from within,
The King sits upon his throne today.

Dear G-d, I know that I have done wrong,
I pray that it can be undone.
I regret all my bad choices, every little thing,
I realize now that it was not worth the fun.

The Shofar cries out my pain loud and clear,
as I stand here in shul sobbing - the tears won't repress.
People stop and wonder - I care not one bit,
I admit I did wrong - now let me refresh.

- - -

All decked in white, we stand amongst each other,
Like angels we sing and we plea.
Scared, we await anxiously,
Father in heaven, what will you decree?

Prayers are whispered,
So softly you can hear the drop of a pin.
Yet, the thud of our hearts echo,
As we remember our sins.

Our tongues are so dry,
Our ankles seem to burn.
We made mistakes just like last year,
Oh, why won't we learn?

The day is finally over,
We have done all that we can do.
The gates are now closed.
Hashem, it is all up to You.